Loneliness is a scourge. I like my independence to be sure, yet in the quiet hours of a long day... I often find myself resenting my singularity. I've left the past and all things prior behind, to come to this mysterious, exotic, frustrating, beautiful, difficult, historic land. I am not alone in this. Regardless of where you may hale from, or where you landed, you most likely have left some form of past behind to strike out on a new adventure and now you find yourself in uncharted waters with not a clue as to how to navigate towards friendship, love, and a sense of belonging. To something.... anything. We reach for those closest to us, those with commonalities of work and neighborhood and worship and other factors of kinship. Like-mindedness, and sometimes, we even in desperation reach for those who are disparate. And sometimes that turns out just fine.
Sometimes it does not.
I have been doing quite well on my own. I have a couple of close friends here that I do things with. People who's company I seek and who keep me free from the demons of loneliness. I have the kids at the school too... they cheer and encourage me with their bright faces and hopeful youth. I also have dear friends back "home" in the states that I keep regular contact with... though I am realizing that "home" is beginning to lose it's meaning in terms of place. Many of my friends assured me that I would meet someone here and fall in love. Of course, many of those same friends I think have a desire to live vicariously through my experiences here... so in retrospect... while I wanted to believe they were all prophetic utterances, I now am of the mindset that they were more wishful thinking and fancy than anything else.
I have actually dated more here than I ever did back in Sandpoint Idaho. (Wonder of wonders... 10,000 people vs. 17 million or so......) I also must say that the pool is a bit more......shall we say heterogeneous here. However....even though the nationalities are broader, the problems typical to dating at my age are still the same. How do you get to know someone in a 4- 6 hour stretch of drinks, dinner, movie or even a walk. Can you really become acquainted with someone in that short a period of time at our age? Or are the defenses and expectations simply too thick and deep? And do any of us still really believe in a silly nude cherub floating around with wings way too small for his body sending love darts to people who need each other?
I am intelligent, fit, youngish looking and acting, experienced (probably one of my problems) and willing. But I just can't seem to connect with anyone reasonable and sane. I've run the gamut from Turks who were way too young to men my age who are way too ..... I don't know, you would have to ask them. I am perplexed, puzzled, stymied, and generally left scratching my head and having a lot of late night conversations with God about the whole Genesis thing.
Ok... right now some of the kids at the school I work at are studying adaptation. The central idea that organisms can and do change themselves and their systems to fit into the environment that surrounds them. We do that all the time. I personally have had to adapt to changed living space... I went from about 2200 sq. foot home in the middle of the woods to a 38 sq. meter apartment on the fourth floor of an apartment block in a dense neighborhood. So I clean less. I also use less resources. I don't drive, I walk everywhere or take public transit. I've cut my bills by about 70% and I am worry about the same percentage less about it all. However.......
I think it only really hit me full on this past New Years that I am now truly and fully on my own... without a significant other to call on...no safe harbor to pull into during a loneliness storm, no back up plan for my self imposed exile. I didn't panic though. I have some great friends here and other places. I have family and my faith, and to tell you the truth, I was at peace with it all. I adapted to being alone here in Istanbul. I filled my time with the activities and the social interactions that I've written about. I love my work too, that helps. So yeah... fine on my own. Then someone comes along who fits part of my ideal .... you know... faithful, intelligent, goes to church, responsible, humorous, no addictions.... fun but not ridiculous. Something in me wakes up. Ahhhh possibility within this new friendship... I even like his voice when he sings in church sitting next to me. So you know.... you start to imagine that maybe .....
Well, here I sit on the eve of that cursed holiday of great expectations........ Imagination has long since taught me a lesson or two about .... well imagining. I teach kids and adults all the time about positive thinking... how to get rid of "stinkin' thinkin'" and focus on what is good about life. I am not abandoning that approach. It actually is a new habit I've been cultivating since arriving in Turkey and it has served me extremely well. I have a new found level of peace and happiness since shedding material goods, a shabby history, and negative ruminations.
I do not however hold to the belief that I can ... wait ... I will say I should work on creating my own reality. What do I want? Let's see... I will "conjure" a wealthy husband who loves me deeply, spoils me greatly, and we travel the world together in high adventure and passionate love. Sounds great right?
Deeper into the heart of the matter though...... might it not be better to simply live and serve others and be joyful day by day and take whatever God gives... without demanding from the "universe" that it fit my desire with an outcome I design? What if this "vision" I have for my future isn't good for the long term welfare of my soul? Are 25 years of great fun worth an eternity of continually working out the things my innermost being still hasn't learned because it's been so busy entertaining itself? Eternity remember... I am pretty sure somewhere in our DNA lies the memory of endless time.
Don't get me wrong. I would like a partner to share the rest of this life with. I would gladly accept such a gift. I suspect many of my readers feel the same. It would be great to get flowers and to go out for dinner with a lovely human being who would gaze into my eyes and tell me how much he cares for me, then follows it up with actions that speak louder than his words. But........ it's not looking so much like an impending reality at this point in my February evening. I've been keeping my eyes open and it just hasn't happened. And that's ok. I don't have a lover. I don't have a man in my life other than the dear friends who happen to be of the male gender - and most of them are either gay or married (thanks guys). Maybe relationships are changing and maybe that change is bringing about new gifts of love... I don't know... I just wonder why so many of us are in the state of singularity....... what is that about? Ideas I am open to.......
Maybe what I need is to simply be in relationship to my fellow human beings without exclusivity. Without the drama, the heartache, the passion......... scratch that... I will keep the passion, I know I need it, but I am beginning to give up on the "vision" of the perfect intimate relationship. That it will drop into my lap bidden by my wishes. Perhaps it is simply not meant to be for me. As much as I (and you... be honest...) have yearned for one close relationship that would last the rest of my lifetime... it just doesn't seem to arrive. No matter how much positive thinking I do! Quite frankly... I am tired of thinking about it. There is a bible verse that says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Well duh.... Unfortunately this verse is not immediately followed by a remedy. Yet we know where the real focus is to be... not on the idol of romantic love, but on the progenitor instead. Oh. Yes. If I can get my head to go where my heart knows it must....
So... that's it, I am ready to give up. I yield. Slap the hand on the mat... my struggle is done. Life wins. I've adapted. And that's a good thing.
Happy Valentine's Day!
ps - next post I'll get back to my original focus on examining the international experience in Turkey. I am going to Yalova this weekend........ hot springs Turkish style. I am betting it will be vastly different from Ainsworth BC. Pics too. Love you.
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